We have all have that friend, that companion, that acquaintance, who despises the idea of working out. The idea alone gives them ghost adventure chills, the goose bumps that look like meteors on your arms and can be jointly used as scrubbing devices for stained laundry. An idea developed in their brain in a negative way, increasing their desire to stay not thin and watch more cooking shows, because watching cooking shows really doesn't make people hungry. No, they really don't. I swear. I hate watching amazing food being created by some of the world's greatest chefs. I know they are not enjoying those pieces of pork sliced heaven doused in succulent sauce. It's all for show. Those chefs. Such great actors.

With mentally unstable people like these, it may difficult to lure them into the gym. Whether using donuts or guaranteeing future conjugal visits, any method to get them simply in the lobby of a workout facility is challenging. Once inside though, there are some guidelines that you must abide by. Follow every single one, or you will find yourself in a world of fat spew and the uncomfortable stench of sweat from beneath layers of stomach rolls.

1) When running on a track, run at your own pace. You need to get your workout in too. Because they run slower than fast mall walkers doesn't mean you need to keep them company. Lap them 10 times and talk shit every time you pass by. Make them feel inferior. Make them pay for you having to watch such laziness. You owe it to yourself.

2) Find some of the lazy partner's attributes and destroy them. There are people out there that liked to be pushed, and there are others that get pushed away. I like to push people, period. Tell them they read too much about Richard Simmon's tips on working out and need to start listening to you instead. Tell them your 12 year old niece can lift more than them. Let them know that they smell terrible and that showers are NOT optional. Give them advice on who to go to to get facial plastic surgery for a "fresh start." Point out that you haven't seen workout gear like that since the Saved By The Bell singing group Hot Sundae. I'm so excited! I'm so, so scared! (If you don't get this reference, you mean absolutely nothing to me. Go eat some caffeine pills before a geometry exam and then we can talk).

3) Make yourself look better because of your lazy counterpart. You obviously look better than the lazy asshole your working out with. Make it apparent that they're your bitch, and they will do what you say. Trust me, it turns other people on.

4) Let them learn the hard way. Oh, you put too much weight on that bench bar and now you're stuck underneath it? Gosh I'm thirsty. I'm gonna go get some water and be right back. You're cool? Ok then. Don't talk to me. Just keep that bar up against your throat. See if I care. Jerk.

5) Collect money for complaining. I have found this to be one of the most important rules. With lazy fuckers in the gym, they have a tendency to complain, whine, stamp their feet, roll their eyes, give excuses of why they can't lift that 2.5 pound weight, and wander into the locker room after being at the gym for five minutes saying, 'Oh, I thought we were done." Charge $1 for each complaint, having no sympathy and making up more rules as you go. Oh, you have a complaining look on your face. That's a dollar. Long sighs? Dollar. Looking down? Dollar. Being ugly as fucking hell? DOLLAR. Actually 2 for that one.

6) Compliment on a job well done every month. That's right, once a month. If your workout everyday for a month, give a job well done pat on the butt at the end of the month. You don't want to tell them they're doing a good job, because we all know they really, REALLY suck at everything. If you start praising them with gift wrapped compliments, they get this notion that you like them and that you want to be friends. We all know this is extremely far from the truth, and feelings of shame and misguidance have a good chance of settling in if you experience this sort of nonsense. Give it once a month. Plain and simple. Remember, they are inferior, and should feel as such at all times.

7) Outdo them with everything you do. It's inevitable that this will happen anyways, so it's just a friendly reminder. You're awesome.

Make the gym into your own personal Ronald McDonald house. Helping you help others. You can even call it "Ronald's Ugly McLazy house for little bitches, men and women welcome." They will flock in populations to get in the doors.

Not groups, POPULATIONS. That's how many will want your expert workout advice and services. You know that road to success? It's after following these rules. Just fucking do it you lazy piece of asshole ass.