There are times, when in fact, you have to use the bathroom. I mean IMMEDIATELY. The dance in front of the door when some jerkface is taking his sweet time washing his hands and singing the National Anthem, the mini farts that squirt out of your backside uncontrollably, the contractions that you have while en route to the porcelain place of worship, and the deep meditation you go through to think about anything else than what's going to explode out of your pants and onto the floor if you don't get on that throne pronto.

 

Once inside, there are certain things to remember while on the Hershey highway. These are rules of the brown game that many of you are aware of, some you may do unconsciously, and others that will improve your overall experience. Now pay attention and you can either make your appointment as awkward as possible for everyone else in the restroom, or as pleasant as possible for yourself and still awkward for everyone else. So no matter what, you win.

 

1) Hang you coat - Nothing worse than shitting on the back inside of your coat from splash tremors. This one should've been obvious, but important to point out nonetheless.

 

2) Cover the toilet seat - The liners that they give you always have a middle portion attached, and can be confusing as to whether you keep it attached for a poop landslide or detach it and hang on to it until the birth process is over. The solution: use strips of toilet paper. I found it to work best because it stays put better. Just remember to check the back of your pants before you walk out to make sure a strip didn't get tucked into your pants by accident. Now THAT is not attractive.

 

3) Use the Camo-Cough - I know you have all done it. Right at the point of release, the O.P.P. (Optimal Poop Point), give a nice fake cough to cover the boulder splashing sound that will be coming from your stall. Although others may still hear it, it will be somewhat muffled, like a  teacher in lecture when your listening to your ipod in the back of class. This is more for courtesy, but if you want to defecate in peace then by all means let loose in stereo surround sound.

 

4) Listen to music - When you have music blaring in your ear, the sound of burrito shaped dongs doing swan dives beneath you will be buried behind the sounds of your expert music selection. My suggestion would be 'Smooth Operator' by Sade. It is so melodic when on the pooper.

 

5) Grunt, but only in private - No one likes the grunter in the public bathroom, especially if he or she is grunting to the point where you contemplate asking if they're all right. Only make Sharapova sounds if absolutely necessary, like if it's the 'Dump of the week', which needs no explanation. Otherwise, act as if your trying not to fart in the elevator full of people, unless you know it will be silent and deadly. Then the pointing with eyes blame game happens, and you can just smile and point to the guy next to you. Love that game.

 

6) Have reading material - Catch up on it. You have time. Relax a bit. This is your hour of power. Your time in the limelight. The only superstar is you. Take all the credit because it's due to you. Make it rain, or, in this case, hail, sleet, snow, and tornado.

 

7) When flushing, have door open ready to escape - You never know what that toilet is going to do. It may thank you for a job well done and swirl down into the fate of all feces and disappear forever. Or, in worse cases, may come up towards you without warning and flood your ankles with brown, sandy water (Yes, in fact this has happened to me). So, keep the door open, have all your possessions, flush with your foot (only your foot please. If you do it with your hand you might get a mud mask with the worst possible type of mud), and sprint out. If an overflow occurs, you're already halfway to your next destination. Not. Your. Problem. Anymore.

 

8) Carry yourself proud upon exit - You did it! You've made it to the stall without sharting and exiting without any brown mess on your person. It's a great feeling that we all take for granted, and it's nice to appreciate the bigger things in life instead of focusing on small, unimportant stuff all the time, like your salary or what kind of car you want to buy. Peanuts compared to the gratitude you owe yourself after the accomplishment of not shitting on yourself.

 

"Follow these rules and you'll have mad bread to break up. If not, 24 years, on the wake up" - Biggie Smalls

 

"Follow these rules and you'll have mad doose to wake up. If not, 24 dongs, from your leg up" - Jimmy Cababa