I just can't seem to get off the hot subject of the old numero dos. It seems that there are facets of the subject that go ignored all the time, or strategies and skills that people may have that they do not share with anyone. I find this to be selfish and unteamlike. If you have talents in the ways of making pooping a more pleasurable experience, then why not share your wisdom with the rest of the world? We all go through situations where we need to critically analyze an occurrence and have to make decisions on the spot. One of them happens to be getting a phone call while on your way to an emergency meeting, or getting an important call while currently in said emergency meeting. I know that your time on the throne is supposed to be sacred, a time of deep meditation and relaxation. A confessional of bad food you ate and the deposits of brown textured prayers that follow. Your faith remains strong, praising the lord of the brown bears and sacrificing your dignity for the sake of those creatures that are unable to enjoy a magazine or an underground indie flick while, and I quote my doctor, "doing the deed."
Yet again, there is a list of rules to follow when you receive these important phone calls. It may be that job you had lined up, that hooker you met the night before that you convinced to get out of the business, the high school you volunteer at calling to tell you you've been suspended for flooding the bathroom with water and "brown seaweed" overflow from one of the stalls and then fleeing the seen, or the police saying they found your underwear on a flagpole in boy's town. Whatever the case may be, you need to answer that call. Whether on route to the sinister throne or unloading Rambo's ammo beneath you, YOU MUST ANSWER THAT CALL. No if's, and's, or buts. Well, maybe a few butts. BIG ONES!
1)
Wear headphones that have a mic - This way you can answer the call without having to hold it awkwardly to your ear and also you can listen to music while making your deposit. Don't have a phone capable of supporting said heaphones? Consider getting rid of your
Saved By The Bell phone, Zack Morris. Join the rest of us in 2010, you non-emailing prick. That's right, those that have the world's first cell phone refuse to learn anything about modern technology. Including email. Did you hear me? INCLUDING EMAIL. I know. It's sad.
2) When answering, make any last minute contributions the beef stew pool - Push it out one last time before commencing human conversation. It will allow you to temporarily relieve yourself beforehand, and when you do answer you will be so relaxed that it'll sound like you just got done fucking. Well, you just fucked the bathroom out of fresh air for the next visitor so I guess it's almost the same thing.
3)
If the brown bears need to exit, ask an open ended question - "So how was your day?" usually works for me. Or "What are you doing tonight?" and " Tell me more about that rash you have." Once you ask these questions that require about a 10-20 second response, hit the mute button and let the shit avalanche loose. You're still listening to what they're saying, unless you're wrath explosion is so euphoric that it takes you into a
vegetable state, which is highly likely after taco day at the office.
4) Take your time - The person on the other end is none the wiser, so focus on your itinerary of being awesome in the world of dirty tile and all things flushable. They're interrupting YOUR important meeting, your time to conduct business and set the standard for the rest of the day. Relax. Do your thing.
5) Upon completion, mute and flush - You're all done, but roomie needs to make his contribution as well. What do you do? Ask another open ended question, mute, flush, wash hands, and run out of bathroom while hitting mute because it'll probably be your turn to respond by then. I say run out because you don't want them to hear the flushing sound or the sound of a sink and have them interrogate you on what you were doing. Then if they do hear the faint sound of your goods flushing into the secret mist of shitdome, make up a story about how you were walking by the bathroom and your roomie didn't think you were home and decided to shit with the door open just because he '"felt like it." Go on by saying you're scarred for life by seeing his pasty white legs pressed against the same comfort seat that you visit at least 3 times daily. Your energy has decreased, and now have a fear of that toilet that you had grown so close to over the last 11 months. If you tell them this, I assure you that sympathy from your co-converesationer will follow. You won't necessarily get window love, but more phone love.
There it is. The last lesson in the poop dualogy. You now have all the keys to a successful experience.
"I'm setting the example. What I've done is going to be puzzled over and studied and followed... forever." - Kevin Spacey in Seven
'Yeah, what Kevin Spacey said in Seven. I did that shit too. With shit." - Jimmy Cababa
