Yes, hello. Oh, my social security number? Oh sure. This is safe right? Ok. 334-66-9532. Yes, now I'm calling because...Oh, you need my password? It's underpants. Haha yeah I know it's silly, but it's always something we all remember, right? I agree, my underwear is itchy today too. My security code for access? 666. Another one I always remember MUAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I don't mean to laugh devilishly like that, but it just feels so good!

The reason I'm calling...Well I received my Rubik's 360 the other day in the mail, and although it's a challenge for all ages, is there a trick that I don't know about? I mean, my 12 year old daughter figured the damn thing out in 10 minutes! I laughed and told her she was slow, so she asked me to beat her time. I was unsure of my chances of doing so, so I lured her into getting ice cream instead.

Later on that night, after she put herself to sleep by reading "D" volume of the Encyclopedia Brittanica Collection, I took my stab at the Rubik's 360. I happened to purchase my own for practice due to the fact that my daughter has a deranged bear claw grip on the stupid thing and won't let it go until I have "time" to challenge her record setting time of puzzle diffusion.

My troubles started right with the packaging. I mean, seriously, what happened to the packages kids could open easily and shove down their shorts at the store and walk out with what looked like an adolescent erection to the old lady at the counter who thought, "Oh that poor boy, I'm sure he will have nice dreams tonight." I can't even get this bastard open with two pairs of scissors!

Why was I using two pairs of scissors? It was the only logical way, my friend. Now stop interrupting.

So I got it open, and Oh, My, Word. I didn't even know where to begin. I thought maybe with my vast experience with the original Rubix cube, switching out that last sticker because it was sort of like a "freebee" to myself, I'd be able to get this one down no problem. Oh, and by the way, why did you change the spelling of your name from ending with an 'X' to ending with a 'Y?' Two words, brand recognition.

So I looked at it, thought about how hungry I was, and got something to eat. I looked across the room at the work of a madman, whoever built this mount Rushmore of a toy. My thoughts raced to friends of mine that may be able to help me crack this 5th element mystery, maybe coaching me through the process and giving Dalai Lama words of wisdom. I thought and thought and thought. Then feel asleep.

Did I ever figure it out? That's why I'm calling you, idiot.

Hey, why is my bank account showing zero? Norts.