Out with...uh...friends
Recently I got to see some old friends from back in the day. It was a nice treat since I only see them when THEY have time to hang. People with jobs and kids are so overrated. I can see having a puppy or DJing full time, but a real job? Kids? Please...
Anyhow, I met up with my friend Ger, his wife Fouella, and their son, Jam. We decided to go to a restaurant in Mequon in the mid-afternoon on a Sunday. Now I was already weary about this because the Packer game was on, and missing a Packer game is like missing church: It's ok to miss but you feel kinda bad about it.
Yes, the Packers are as important as religion.
So we walk in, the smell of musty genitals and moustache wax immediately entered my nostrils. I took a gaze around and thought:
a) Is is senior citizen day?
b) I'm wearing a sweatshirt and jeans. Everyone else is wearing funeral type clothes. Or wedding reception clothes. Spell it out with me: S-N-O-B-S
c) Why is there so much cottage cheese everywhere? Wait...is that Alka Seltzer for someones dentures?
d) Am I 2Pac? Why are All Eyez on Me?
e) A hot waitress. Working here with the Geriatric Funky Bunch. Hot Waitress + Old fucks with hella money = Off duty stripper. Greedy bitches.
So we walk in and the hostess asks, "Ok, so 3 adults and a baby?"
Fouella replies, "Yes, that is correct. Two males, a female, and a baby."
She meant well, but all I could think about was the fact that it may have looked like Fouella was the serogate parent of the gay couple: Ger and me. I looked and Ger and he looked at me. We stepped away from eachother, laughed nervously, and then came to the serious conclusion that the host may be assuming all of this. I guess it didn't help that we were both petting the child at the same time. Shit, did I say that outloud?
After that awkward assumption of mine, we sat down at our table. They asked me about my cousin (Uno) visiting in town last week. Fouella asked, "So where did you guys go?"
I answered, "Uno and I went to the Bucks game, Packers game, White Castle, and many other places."
She asked, "So you went to Uno's Pizza and ate?"
"No, my cousin's NAME is Uno."
Ger butts in and says, "Oh, I didn't know what the two of you were talking about. I thought you ate your cousin."
Fouella said, "You ate your cousin?"
Sigh. Really? These are my friends? I wanted to jump onto the next table in the "Flamingo Ready" position with my teeth showing while pointing at them like the evil monkey in Chris' closet. I'd then grab an old fucker, hold them hostage, and wait for them to invite me to their home for tea and strumpets. Then I'd have all new friends that I could hang with and get close enough to be in their wills and wait for them to die. When they leave me all their stupid money, I will then buy the Uno's Pizza franchise, create a pizza that has a portrait of my cousin, and serve it to Ger and Fouella. I then will say, "Is this what you guys meant? Huh? You fuckers."
I'm kidding Ger and Fouella. You're not THAT stupid.
I'm still gonna shove a pizza in your faces, though. Yeah, I can't wait either.
