Opening Day Preparations and Guidlines
It's almost here. The best day of the year. Many wait for this day all year long. The typical reaction when the day actually comes and goes is, "Well, only 364 more days until it's here again." It's like counting down to St. Patricks' Day, except opening day has so much more meaning to it. The history that people make out of tradition, and not based on some assclown who has a day named after him even though his ass isn't even Irish. I wish I could have a day named after me that had nothing to do with my background. It would be called, "St Jimmy Cababa's Day", and represent my contributions to the world for being awesome. So I guess it would sort of be like an Earth day, where people think globally and act locally. And by act locally I mean give me large sums of money and gifts to continue "tradition." What a bunch of hooey.
The preparations for this sacred day of the Brewer's home opener are crucial. Everything must be in place and set to go when the day arrives. Poor planning could lead to a disastrous experience, especially when you put Billy Bong Thorton on beer duty. Gotta have the right person for the right job, and here are the detailed steps to take when getting ready for your big day (no, not your wedding you moron. The REALLY big day. Bigger than your stupid vows).
1) Find a vehicle. Nothing sucks more than riding 18 people in a civic. Plan to have at least a truck, pickup if possible, to increase the chances of vomit going over the side of the car instead of in your lap. You can fit more assholes in a truck, and, therefore, can stick it to "The Man" even more (see "Stick It To The Man" below).
2) Purchase team apparel. Yes, you must do this. Don't be that guy that wears his Panera Bread shirt to the game because you "plan" on making it into work later that day. Trust me friend, you won't be able to see straight by 9am. Your bowel movements alone from all the sauerkraut brats you'll be ingesting will not allow you to leave a port-o-john for at least an hour. Then you will have to puke from the smell of your own dung, then go back to shitting a house full of racing sausage matter. Then puke again. It's a dance we like to call, "The The Hokey Pukey Ass Dance." Going back and forth like that will leave you on the floor of the port-o-john, rocking back and forth wishing you hadn't had that 4th brat and shotgunned those last 6 beers, hoping to be discovered by a non-authority figure, counting your blessing because your sense of smell is finally gone and won't return for 6 months.
3) Bring Tums. See above. 4) Print fake tickets. I know, this sounds risky. But think about it: are you going to be coherent enough by game time to even know what is going on in the game? Let alone know where you are and what your name is? Having realized my genius perspective, fake tickets are the way to go. Why, you ask? Well, in recent years, the police have been checking drunks in the parking lot one hour after the game has started to see if they have game tickets. If you don't have game tickets, they kick your ass out. Plain and simple. So the idea with the tickets is to scan an actual ticket of the game on medium weight paper (find some dumbass friend of yours that actually bought tickets and borrow one for an hour. Oh, did I mention that this friend of yours will probably be hanging out in the lot with you? Guess where he's not going: in the game. What an idiot). Once scanned, copy 6 tickets per page and set crop marks. print two sided, then razor blade the serrated edge to make it look as real as possible. Flash the ticket to the cops, tell them to fuck off because you have a ticket and have no desire to go in the game, and throw a hot dog at him. Then get arrested.
5) Once in the lot, park where you want. Don't listen to the parking guys who have their orange flavored popsicles pointing where you should park. A car is faster than a guy with a phallic object chasing after you. Park towards the front. Make your own spot. Set up immediately. Eat dude's popsicle.
6) Make friend's with the people that are cooking steaks. Do people cook too much food? Yes. Do they spend too much money on steaks for a Brewer game? Yes. Help them out. Eat their food for them. They want you to. They do. 7) If you run out of beer, play people in tailgating games with their stuff. Peeps get tired of playing bags or testicle toss with just the people they came with. Make it interesting. Start a game. Have 5 beers on them. 8) Get as drunk as humanly possible. if I have to explain this, then you don't deserve to go to OPENING DAY. See how I used caps when spelling it out? It's called respect, and if you don't get wasted on this sacred day of baseball birth then you are unworthy of attending any other game in the season. Say bye bye to baseball games, you sober, unfun buzzkill. 9) Feel free to accost any mascot in sight. Oh, you decided to wear your bratwurst costume to the game? Prepare to get violated in homosexual ways by every drunk jock in the stadium. You'll be found in the corner with "ketchup" coming out your backside and "mayonnaise" on your face. Yes, it's that graphic. 10) Stick It To The Man. You're already doing this by being there with fake tickets, stealing people's beer and steaks, robbing good parking spots, bombing port-o-john's every which way, and raping innocent mascots with no shame. So, in short, good job. Follow these simple rules and you will make memories. Hopefully none that involve mug shots. No, I'm not talking about taking shots out of beer mugs. Seriously, get it together.
