Nights out, Posts in
I was out a few nights this week and saw some people working in usual fine form. The legions of tight flannel wearing jock hipster wannabes to "party all the time!" mentality based Miley Craprus obsessors surrrounded me with little breathing room. I was short on patience and oxygen, but managed to write down some key points that I found were worthy. These are some of my many bar stories:
1) Speaking of Miley Crapus, I was DJing at a local college bar last week and saw a couple conversing like they were trying to come up with a plan. The two broke, giving a very feminine high five lead from the male. The female approached the booth with a self induced lazy eye from too many red bull shots and drink spilling down her chest. She stumbled, managed to make it up the one step, and asked, "Exxcuuuse me duuuude, can you plaaay Miileey Cyyrus?"
"I just played it five minutes ago" I replied.
"Oook, Greeaat! Thaanks!"
Confused, I kept on playing whatever the fuck I wanted. I then looked over and saw the drunk girl telling her male friend about her success and he rejoiced in a most feminine way. Jumping up and down like Dora the Explorer and screaming as loud as a troop of girl scouts, he celebrated to no end. I looked for the closest waitress to bring me a shot of Jack. Well, 3 actually.
2) I was in Chicago at a bar and saw a bunch of people taking pictures nearby. There was a guy that had a huge chain around his neck that he held in his left hand like Lil Jon. And instead of a pimp chalice, was holding a Vodka and cranberry. I took a closer look at the chain to try to see if it was real and found some interesting yet questionable features of it:
a) Are some of those "diamonds" turning green?
b) The chain is pretty long. Maybe he bought it off a Baboon dealer who specializes in "Baboon Bling."
c) That's a big chain for someone wearing a Casio watch.
d) Does the chain say "Verizon?" I think so...
I decided to mind my own business and continue ordering shots. Lots of them.
3) I heard a guy ask his buddy, "Hey, I'm buying drinks. What are you drinking there?"
His friend responded, "Ketel and Lemonade."
"Oh, good memory."
Good memory? For what? Remembering what drink he had in his hand?
I tell ya, I'm glad I'm not an idiot.
4) My friend Ger and I saw a girl with a bracelet on that had bold letters. The letters were large enough to wonder what the bracelet said, but small enough that it would annoy you if you didn't know what it said. I asked her, "Hey, what does your bracelet say?"
She replied, "It says 'I like holes.' It's from a song."
Ger, under his breath, said, "Is it a song from a porn?"
She asked, "What did you say?"
Ger responded, "Oh, uh, I said 'Is it a song from when you were born?"
She seemed heart-set on telling us about some stupid song from her childhood, but Ger and I walked away before she could mutter a word that was certain to be idiotic.
I tell ya, I'm glad I'm not an idiot.
