In all kitchens, from the household to the jailhouse, there has to be some type of organized cleaning system in place. Although everyone views this as a "sucky" task, it is quite important and requires a minimal amount of intelligence.

Well, at least this is what I thought.

Over the years, I have cleaned many kitchens, from the dirtiest fight club type kitchens to the Iron Chef clean as your ass after using colon blow type kitchens. Every kitchen is different in set-up, equipment, number of idiot employees fucking up every operation you have set in place, and capacity for movement around the guy they all call 'Smallie Biggs" because he takes up half the kitchen but doesn't make a sound. You wouldn't know the guy was there unless you were blind or REALLY not paying attention. He maneuvers like a snail in sewer water, not being productive by any means and smelling just like a freshly opened can of chopped clams. The problem here lies in his size and his personality. The nicest guy you've ever met, but with his intimidating size and hearing stories from the past of him ripping limbs off chickens because it "felt good" or him volunteering at a bull butchering ranch because he "needed something motivating" are valid reasons for not even writing him up for putting plates of ONLY parsley flakes in the window while yelling "Order Up!" at the same time. These are common problems in every restaurant, and if you ever own one at some point in your life, you WILL have these issue. I promise you,

The clean up process starts with one employee taking the initiative and actually doing something. The tendency to stand around and, not 'lean like a cholo' but 'lean like a lazy kitchen employee' , is a trendy stance in which you may lean but don't think you have time to clean. I like to talk in rhyme all the time. Anyhow, the initial move by 'THE guy' is a small task, maybe bringing his dirty plate of leftover mussels from last night that he hid aside because he supposedly 'messed up' the order. His plate makes its way to the dish area, where the dishwasher is snorting what seems to be detergent. 'Let me smell that once." Yup, it's detergent. Someone must have sold it to him, probably the Sous Chef who always claims he's underpaid and underworked. He's gotta make his extra cash somehow.

This one act of cleaning leads to a small whirlwind motion of slow wiping and few squirts at a time of a spray bottle. Dirty towels used over and over again, the equipment that was just wiped down looks dirtier than it did before. Oh, and hell, it smells like the inside of an ass now. The mentality of these absent minded fellows is that if it's wiped down, its clean. Not the case, my friends. Not the case. The Sous Chef is in the corner selling more detergent to bartenders (because bartender's are always looking for that "EDGE"), the dishwasher is passed out underneath the dishwasher with no pulse but nobody seems to notice even though there is a leaning tower of Pisa amount of dishes piling up, the Executive Chef is smoking hash outside with the owner from next door, talking about how he likes to invest in anything and everything, the two closing servers fornicating in the employee bathroom which is rarely used for anything else, the bus boy peeking in on the Sous Chef-bartender deal, counting his money out of his Dragon Ball Z wallet and hoping the Chef has some of that good shit left, the night porter showing up early to rob you for free drinks because he 'deserves' it, and the hosts coming into the kitchen where they clearly are not welcome and saying, with 5 minutes before close, "We have an 8 top sitting right now!' Bite Nuker!!!!!!!

Crumbs are hidden in drawers, utensils are hidden in spots by cooks so nobody else uses them, the occasional ribeye somehow makes it's way into a cook's jacket, equipment isn't turned off before cleaning and you end up with severed index fingers, burnt noses, and gashed cheeks, puddles of uncovered oil on the floor just waiting for a lucky server to slip and skate across the kitchen floor into a set of bowling pins that the cook's set up earlier, and towels snapping at everyone's backside because it always feels good for the person snapping, not the one being snapped at. Rinsing towels with only water is common, with sanitation buckets sparkling clean from no use during the shift. They literally are only there so the health inspector can walk around with a semi-smile on her face with her fanny pack full of disinfectant wipes and high water pants never in danger of touching the floor. Do health inspectors ever smile? Probably not often. Imagine being married to THAT women. I'm sure she's a real rascal.

Eventually the kitchen gets clean. half the inventory in the cook's possession and the place dry with crumbs bulging out of every crevice. The fact of the matter is that you don't care either, giving them the freedom to do whatever they want because you want to get out of there also.

At least everyone is working as a team, right?

Right.