Eggs Benedict for Arnold
In the world of eggs, there is yellow and white. A membrane surrounds it all, transparent and full of discrepencies. Ever peel a hard boiled egg? It's a straight bitch if you don't make friends with said membrane first and get underneath it. The consistency of any egg prepared any way is a matter of developing a relationship with it, caressing it down and whispering sweet everything's into it's non-existant ears. Give it a little massage, tell it that it's beautiful. Give it a reach-around.
Yes, I've been working with nothing but eggs for the past 2 weeks. I know it shows like a cold sore, but I have no other option but to embrace eggs as my partners and hold them close to my heart.
We moved on to the final stage of egg cookery: Benedicts. From the egg to the Hollandaise sauce, it's created from the scratchy surface. If you don't know what Hollandaise sauce contains, and you enjoy it, you may not want to know. Let's just say it's not the healthiest sauce in the world. It's a high recommendation from the fat guy from LOST and a low recommendation from Richard Simmons. Heart attack, anyone? I got you...
People in the kitchen have been referring to our egg friends as "eggy." This is something my 12 year old niece would say (wait, nevermind. she has read more books than me. Seriously). So maybe my 6 year old nephew. HA! There's someone who isn't smarter than me. Or is he? Norts.
"Eggy" has become a regular phrase with laughter and light banter involved. I try to slide it aside to the low brow part of my brain, shifting my head to between my ass cheeks to find any sort of humor involved. If the corner of the room is occupied for this position (which happens to be a favorite yoga pose of mine), I have to resort to tuning it out. Like ignoring Elmo when he's on TV (very difficult for me to do), I find a happy place and work on my shit.
Separating egg yolks from egg whites seems to also be a hit in the kitchen. The slimy texture and gooey appearance drive people wild. I personally feel as if I'm handling Slimer's testicals or even Slimer's girls' ovaries. It's very awkward, and I try to get through this process as quickly as possible. Others, well, take their time. I wonder what they think about when handling, these, um, yolks.While, uh, staring at me.
Mind drifting...
...
Ok I'm back.
The poaching of an egg is easy. Put it in water, take it out a little while later, and BLAMMO. Poached egg. Here's an equation to live by for these things:
Hot water + Egg + 1 non-idiot + 2 working eyeballs = Perfectly poached egg
Follow this and hopefully you can be the third part of the equation.
I beat the Hollandaise sauce over low heat to get the texture right. 1 part egg yolks, 2 parts butter (there's your recipe for simple Hollandaise sauce. If you still enjoy after knowing this, enjoy watching your ass get gigantisized). Beating, beating beating. add cold water. Beat some more. Turn heat down. Beat, beat, beat. Here it comes...
AH! That creamy texture! I'm so relieved!
You know what, valued reader? You're sick.
