Breadman I Love BAGELS BAKER Machine Maker w/ Manual
"So class, this is a very special day. My husband has retreated to the nether lands of the rainforest to look for a new species of grasshoppers that don't hop. He wants to find these so he can have naming rights to them and call them 'grass sitters' and rest in peace for the rest of his days. Of course, I'm NEVER mentioned in these plans of his. It's always ME ME ME! I can't stand it anymore! That's why I'm so glad his crotch-binding-jeans-wearing-ass is far off in a land where I hope he picks up an Arakane hooker and impregnates her. THEN I can have it all MUAHAHAHAHA! Anyways, let's focus people."
"I have brought in with me today my very coveted Breadman I Love BAGELS MAKER Machine Maker w/ Manual. All my desperate housewive neighbors have been trying to steal the manual from me, sending me into the other room when they are over having drinks because they're talking to their 'mistress man' and want some privacy. I know what's really going on though. I take that handy manual with me and stuff it up my skirt so if they want it, then they will have to work for it. You gotta work, Covergirl! Work it girl!"
"Ms. DeFollicle, can you go over the Gettysburg battle at Normandy again?"
"Lil Juan, because that's what they call you on the 'streets', I am not going to go over something that never took place. Now, pay attention or you'll have to clean the urine out of our Fern again. Do you want to do that? I thought not."
"This bad girl has a removable handle, bakery tray, and a manual! The manual is sought out by many ex-coverts, those that may have the maker and didn't give it the love and attention that supposedly children need at a very young age. They seek and kill when they zero in on the sights of a manual, and are trained well from the Bagel Academy to do whatever it takes to 'regain those lost carbs.' Not only are carbs fuel for them, but also a lifestyle. "
"Ms. DeFollicle, can I go to the bathroom?"
"Number one or number two?"
"Two."
"Well, Shit. Hmmm. I'm kinda in the middle of this...Ok. Just go in the Fern but make it fast. And don't get stage fright. It's awkward enough for all of us to PRETEND you're not doing what you're doing."
"So, where was I? Oh yeah! I have the key to bagel eternity! My tum tum will never go hungry ever! It will turn into one giant bagel and the rest of my organs can feed off it for years without failing for lack of nutrients! You know 'Cast Away'? Try a 'Cast Away part 2: Chronicles of The Lonely Bagel.' I'm getting nothing but bagels and paper, bitch!"
"Ms. DeFollicle, can I go to the bathroom also?"
"Ok. Just join Marty over there, but please don't go side by side. squat adjacent to each other for uniformity reasons. That way your backsplash from the plant will only go on the other person, not all over the floor. Lil Juan has had enough foul duty this week."
