We have reached the pinnacle of the meats portion of class: Beef. The all infamous, super tasty delicious, always referenced in phallic situations, impossible to digest, red appearance like the devil, slap on your bruised face incredible beef. There are 100's of different cuts that come from a cow, and it depends on what you want to spend and how much quality you want for your belly. For me, there isn't really a bad beef per say, just some are better than others. Kinda like when smell your farts in comparison to someone else's. A fart is a fart, but for some reason, your own is always more tolerable than anyone else's. It almost smells good. Actually, it does smell good. You're laying in bed by yourself and lay a gas chamber egg under the covers, creating your own personal Dutch oven. You trap it for a while, seeing if the smell will seep up into your nostrils naturally, indicating to you that it was a quality product. After the examination period, you lift the covers and release the scent of a job well done. But your partner does that to you, I guarantee it's not the same. You know I'm right. I'm simply the guy with no shame that is willing to say it. 

 

Butchering beef is always something that is entertaining to watch and do. When someone else is doing it, it's amazing to look at the expressions on people's faces while witnessing the neanderthal act. The awe in their deep concentration is the same as when people watch 'Minute To Win It', or any other prime lame time television program. The look of "is this really happening? While I'm standing here?" Give me a fricking break. These are the fartfaces that say, "Oh my word. That used to be a living creature." I am willing to bet my set aside stripper money for this month that they are the same pricks that say, "You know that girl grinding on the pole up there? That's someone's daughter." Would be kinda fascinating to see a cow grinding up and down a pole to stay out of the inevitable 'grazing grave" that all their buddies are at. You don't think people would come out to see that shit? It's one of those things that you don't want to see yet uncontrollably drawn to like gravity. Throw a nice leopard outfit on her, don't cover any of the four nipples, slap a little grade C stripper perfume on and you've got a star my friends. 

 

When you're the one butchering, you have to maintain focus and not concentrate on the people looking on you as the dark angel of meat boning. Talk about your day, maybe allude slightly to what you are actually doing, then go back to talking about hockey or Dutch oven techniques. The rollercoaster of topics will keep them enthralled and bored at the same time. For example, when I am in class, I tend to pay attention when it is something that has nothing to do with the class. It's drone sounds mostly, but when the teach starts a story like, "So I had my tongue in this chick's ass last night..." , then I perk up and ask him to repeat the story AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. 

 

There is no need to explain how to cook beef, because if I have to explain, then I might go into the whole 'HOT BEEF INJECTION" thing and trust me, you don't want that. 

 

Ok fine. Here's a summary. But only because you asked.

 

Basically the hot beef injection is what I also refer to as the hibbity jibbity, the horizontal mambo, the hide the salami game, etc. Women and unconfident boys in the kitchen don't like beef week, knowing that at 4 points or another that they will be victim to a beef joke of some sorts. Watch what you say when working with beef. The possibility of this scenario is highly likely:

 

Dish Boy - What are we making today, big muscly chefs?

 

Chef - Beef, boy. Hot Corned beef. HOT.

 

Dish Boy - Ooooh! I love hot beef!

 

Chef - I bet you do, Clay Aiken. Come over here and I'll show you some hot beef.

 

Dish Boy - Great! Here I come!

 

Chef - Yeeeeeeeaaaah Buddy.

 

Don't let this happen to you. Unless you want it to happen. If so, follow the previous scenario and adjust accordingly. Good luck, beefsuckerassfacehole.