A nutshell of a week
I was Ann Arbor last week for no real responsible reasons whatsoever. I just thought it would be fun to see the campus and how things were over there. I'm sure, being Michigan and all, that there would be a lot of motors (I mean A LOT), a lot of lighthouses (there are 116 of them in the state), some fingers and lakes, robins, and Battle Creek, the cereal bowl of America. You ask why I know all these facts? Because I looked them up, dumbass.
My friend Jebediah actually had an interview in Ann Arbor and that's why I went along. He usually wears contacts, but before going to the interview, he put his glasses on. I asked, "You think you look smarter with those on? Is that why you wear them to interviews?"
He replied, "Yeah, I do think I look more intelligent. A lot of people say that."
I said, "Well what do they say when you're not wearing them?"
"Nothing." he replied.
"Well, it may not be what they're saying, but what they're thinking."
He said, "So what, everyone thinks I look like a dumbfuck when I'm not wearing them??"
I replied, "Well, I didn't say it."
Boy was that a silent ride home.
After arriving home, back sore from the Fast and Furious seats in his car, I proceeded to enter my vehicle to make a trek to Madison for a Halloween party. First I had to stop in Milwaukee and take my Mother to the Halloween store to find a costume. She was very adament about getting one, even when I told her that they were expensive as Hell and she would have better luck just making one. A Toga, a Bear Fucker costume, anything really. She refused, and demanded I take her there.
We arrived at the store and started walking up and down the aisles. We first reached the kids costumes, commenting on how cute some kids were in the pictures and how ugly and non-human some others looked. We were having such a good laugh until we walked into the female costume aisle. Now my Mother, being a bit older than me, was under the impression that costumes were fun and scary. But what I forgot, being a young and intelligent scholar of my time, is that Halloween is the only night of the year where it's acceptable for any woman to be dressed as a slut and be commended for it. So, in turn, the aisle we walked down was full of slutty costumes and high heel outfits. I recall looking at the models in the pictures and thinking, "She's a porn star, She's a porn star, SHE'S A PORN STAR." Gladly, my Mother had no idea who these talented young women were. She looked at me and said, "So, some of these costumes are cute."
AWKWARD
I then frantically looked for any normal costume. A Michael Myers mask, a Tootsie Roll outfit, ANYTHING. We hurried down the aisle and landed in the plus size section. "Ah, what a relief" I thought. I then looked at some of them and noticed that they were slutty costumes too!! I couldn't believe it. Before my Mother could even get a word out of her mouth I quickly pointed in a random direction and said, "OH! The normal costumes are over THERE! Let's check it out."
We wandered over, didn't find anything remotely normal, and she then decided that she would make a costume. Nothing fancy, an Egyptian woman is what she decided on. I hope she didn't get any ideas from this Egyptian costume. Risky.
I then proceeded to Madison to go to the Halloween party. It was a really fun party, kegs and beer pong which brought me back about 10 years. Nonetheless, it was a good time. One of the girls had such a good time that she vomited all over the upstairs floor in front of the bathroom. I thought it was funny and disgusting, but after the host cleaned it all up, she vomited in the same exact spot 5 minutes later. I then thought that that was downright coincidental. The host said, "Ah fuck it. I'm not even gonna bother."
We sat in his room and talked with some other people for a while. We had all forgotten about the puke that was right outside his door, until I glanced out to see who was there. To my not-so-surprise, a drunk fool came from downstairs and decided to have a seat right in the puke to wait for the bathroom. Shorts soaked and diginity gone, he didn't seem to notice. I decided that it would be funnier to see how long he sat there instead of telling him what he was actually wallowing in.
23 minutes. A new record.
I like traveling. People are so dumb outside of where I live.
